43 Reasons to Avoid Movie 43

Movie 43 Theatrical Poster

Movie 43 Theatrical Poster

TitleMovie 43
Genre(s)Comedy
Director(s): Bob Odenkirk, Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Peter Farrelly, Patrik Forsberg, Will Graham, James Gunn, Brett Ratner, Jonathan van Tulleken
Release Year2013

Oh January…a time of year noted for the often sudden realization of how empty one’s wallet truly is, and for when film studios release films they have little to no faith in. While we’re coming quite close to this year’s midway point, it’s safe to say one film from said month has stood out for its devilishly putrid qualities. Few films in recent memory have elicited such a foul response from both the public and critics alike, but be alarmed; Movie 43 is worthy of such ferocious, disheartening claims. To further illustrate this, here are 43 reasons as to why this star-studded dud is…well, such a stinky, foul and gag-inducing dud.

(NOTE: All observations are based on the UK cut. There will be spoilers to better understand this film’s incompetency.)

1. What does Movie 43 mean? Don’t ask Peter Farrelly! He was probably too drunk!

2. A scrotum does not constitute a joke.

3. A scrotum dangling from one’s neck, being dipped in soup and on a baby’s head to another’s displeasure, is also not a joke.

4. 6 minutes is entirely too long for a sight gag with no punchline, especially one involving neck testicles (Nesticles?)

5. The overarching storyline which “connects” these vignettes is painfully unfunny and worse than anything else in the film.

6. Someone being forced to wrongfully exclaim their love for “sucking dicks” does not constitute a joke. Contrary to a popular belief, it does not get funnier the 10th time around either.

7. Anna Faris expressing her desire to be defecated on is not a joke. It’s sadly quite probable.

8. Poop jokes and gags featuring uncontrollable gas and bowels are so late 90s.

9. In its first 3 sketches, Movie 43 repeatedly confuses poop and testicles for comedy more than any other film this year.

10. There are more than 3 sketches. About 4 times as many.

11. Veronica, perhaps the film’s least obnoxious sketch, doesn’t amount to anything. It features an impressive total of one chuckle-worthy line.

12. “You know who’d be perfect in a Batman sketch? Why, Jason Sudeikis!”

13. Uma Thurman in a theatrical release that ISN’T directed by Tarantino = Warning Sign #1

14. Katrina Bowden in a theatrical release that ISN’T Tucker & Dale vs. Evil = Warning Sign #2

It's funny because he has balls on his neck.

It’s funny because he has balls on his neck.

15. Machine Kids, possibly the film’s closest flirtation with comedy, completely forgets its punchline.

16. The sudden realization that there’s still an hour left.

17. The overarching plot, involving dumb teenagers and a hacker kid, eventually reaches unprecedented levels of convoluted awfulness. Russians get involved. It’s still not funny.

18. The film’s first masturbation joke occurs about halfway through and serves as a warning sign of things to come.

19. Movie 43 even parodies those now ancient iPod commercials involving dancing people. Because those are still funny right?

20. “I know! Let’s make the iPod a naked woman! That’s totally funny and wrong, right?” said one of the sketch’s 5 writers.

21. “Oh man! And let’s put the device’s vent in her vagina! That way, kids try to have sex with it!” said another one of the sketch’s 5 writers.

22. “That’s gold! Let’s make the SPECIAL EDITION be a black woman and joke about race!” said another of the sketch’s 5 writers.

23. There were writers on the sketch. Think about that for a second. 5 writers

24. Stereotypical Triads suddenly appear in the overarching storyline, using violence as a gag. It’s still not funny.

25. A kid gets tortured for information. Almost as funny as poop jokes.

26. The talented Chloe Grace Moretz has her period. Everyone around her throws stuff and freaks out. There’s no joke in this interminable sketch.

27. Patrick Warburton arrives and lets out an “epic fart”, at least according to his son.

28. Elizabeth Banks probably shouldn’t direct anything ever again.

29. Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville fight an elf played by Gerard Butler, because beating up little people is usually really funny.

It's funny because he's a leprechaun.

It’s funny because he’s a leprechaun and small.

30. It isn’t. It simply degenerates into a bloodbath. As with the rest of the film, it goes on for much too long.

31. Brett Ratner directing = Warning Sign #3

32. Hey! It’s Stephen Merchant! This could be goo- oh. There’s Halle Berry. Hmm.

33. Halle Berry in an intentionally comedic role = Warning Sign #4

34. Around the same time Halle Berry injects a turkey baster filled with hot sauce up her vagina, it becomes clear there’s still another half hour to this turd.

35. Halle Berry once blamed her writers and producers for making Catwoman an awful film. Who you gonna blame for this one, Halle?

36. IS THAT MOTHERFUCKING SNOOKI?!

37. There’s something really sad about seeing Stephen Merchant bored and making dick jokes.

38. The overarching plot gets lost in its own sea of idiocy and plot twists. This film refuses to end.

39. You know what this film really needs? More black jokes! Thanks, Terrence Howard!

40. Tommy Wiseau’s The Room is SO much more entertaining than this.

It's funny because...

It’s funny because…

41. Even James Gunn’s contribution Beezel, which involves an animated cat and fares better than most, fails to elicit any real laughter.

42. The credits are 8 minutes long. Even in death, this film never lets up.

43. Confusing childish crude content for jokes and humor, and yet effortlessly demonstrating that it can drive a crude premise into the ground repeatedly, Movie 43 represents exactly what’s wrong with Hollywood. Never funny, always dull and mind-numbing in the worst of ways, Peter Farrelly should never go near a camera or a script ever again.

Avoid Movie 43 like the plague. You’ll be better for it.

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